Mike Wilson

It’s been a very frustrating weekend in several different dimensions. Paypal blocked my payment to John Cox and locked down my account (which I am unable to reinstate with any alacrity as I don’t have a land-line) , my gas was turned off at some point, EvE happened to shut down while I was trying to blow off some steam and calm down. You know, that kind of weekend.

Today I got a righteous case of the fuck-its and I went to J&R, bought Windows Vista Ultimate (as my copy had gone out with the video games I’d so boldly tossed) and a copy of a tax package. On my way home I stopped in gamestop to buy Neverwinter Nights 1 and 2. (They had 1 but I had to sign up for “Direct To Drive” to purchase and download 2, which is under way.)

While waiting for J&R to open (I’d moved with great haste and enthusiasm when I woke up) I went to McDonald’s for breakfast. Not my first choice mind you, but there it was. As I sat in The Golden Arches eating my (Egg Mc) Muffin I had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity.

I thought about what I was doing and the number of times I’d done it before; namely, lashing out at my frustration by “breaking the rules” and indulging in my weaknesses. It occurred to me (perhaps not for the first time) that this was a simple reaction to the overall frustration and resulting helplessness that came from the few events I was pounded over the head with the previous afternoon.

Somewhere in there was the notion that playing ‘by the rules’ had turned out badly and left me feeling more or less victimized by a bunch of things I couldn’t control (an idea that wouldn’t win points for technical accuracy I grant you.) This kind of helplessness is something I can’t abide. So to compensate I feel the increasingly overwhelming need to exert control over my environment.

But the other half of that is that it’s not only the need to have some effect on my surroundings, in my own way I was angry at the authority I’m subject to which was therefore responsible for my misfortune. And I wondered about this, about what it is that we consider to be the authority that rules our situations.

Is it the government? Our parents? Or do we have our own code which brings us to bear?

I think it’s one of the few things that’s different for most of us. For my part I simply don’t have an external authority. There are people and institutions that take on structural roles, government, police, etc. But they’re just doing their part in the workings of society as consumers consume and producers produce. They have no intrinsic elevation in a hierarchy.

What’s important to me and the rules by which I live are ENTIRELY based on my own decisions and ‘blessing’ if you will of what is right conduct in a given situation. What’s RIGHT for me are the things I know will make me a better person or without other costs, allow me to enjoy my life. There simply is no set of rules that supersede those. Sure, I’ll take part in others, but that’s a matter of social contract, not intrinsic authority.

So what then, when I am frustrated beyond all reason and feel the need to lash out and assert a sense of personal power, do I do? WHO is the "you" in the "I’ll show you!" Well… the you is … me. I do something self-destructive. I eat at McDonald’s, put video games on my home computer and waste my potential, and in that twisted way I’ve been able to violate "the law" and tell the world to go fuck itself.

I sat there, finishing off my diet coke and hash brown and I extrapolated that a bit to people who feel put upon by authority figures, whomever they imagine them to be, and it occurred to me that one of the basic truths about human nature had really just opened itself up to me past the lip-service level of understanding I’d given it before.

So here I am, at six whatever. I’m waiting for Neverwinter Nights 2 to finish downloading so I can play like a retard.

And yet, I’ve found the inspiration, energy and time to write up my thoughts, however pithy to the rest of you, and post them in relatively organized order.

So there ya go, Go to hell "go to hell"ness.

I win ;-)

UPDATE: It’s amazing what happens, reading something 18 hours after you blast it out, unedited.  I actually thought this was a largely coherent rant at the time.  gak.  I’ll work on it.