Over the better part of the last year I’ve been increasingly (starting from very) frustrated with my near total lack of writing. I spent a fair amount of time thinking about that and digging around for things I’d penned or typed that I recall having been most satisfied with in an attempt to divine what it is that evoked them.
I came to an inescapable parallel that makes me feel cheated and angry.
I write well when I’m depressed.
The problem is that while bad moods and anger produce delightful descriptions of bad moods and anger, they have very strong supporting effects. They create and invoke recursively that which they express. THIS I realized some years ago and as a result I’ve quite successfully weaned myself off of the obsessive whining I was doing in journals, web sites, IMs and wherever else I was doing it.
But what I hadn’t banked on was the notion that it was my primary source of inspiration, twisted a use of the word as that is.
Last night on the four train home from my biweekly night out I was ripping myself apart. I whipped out my little moleskine and starting on the Union Square platform until we pulled in to Borough Hall, blasted out a bit over five pages of flagellation worth being proud of but for what it was. And but for a couple pangs that will stay with me a little while, it’s over and done with.
I’m not going to type that in and post it here for obvious reasons.
In the last several years my level of happiness and the degree to which I enjoy the joys of life have only gotten stronger. The needle has been moving, staggeringly but consistently deeper in to the plus column. So why is it that those things seem undeserving of treatment by the written word?
Well last night my thought was that Joy was to be experienced and pain was to be expunged and that the easiest way to do that was by externalizing and examining it. But 22 hours later that’s a bunch of crap. Neither is more or less to be experienced than the other.
Could it be simple force of habit? At least somewhat.
The ‘tortured’ artist is a hackneyed cliche’. But why does it appear that it must be that way?
There are some as yet wordless answers kicking around in my head. But nothing well formed enough to put down.