If I were to endeavor to organize this into a cohesive piece, using Tinderbox or something, I know there’s be precisely zero chance I’d get it done. So instead I’m just opening the WP WritePost form and blathering. alas and alack.
I started noticing this over the last week; projects undone, laundry piling up, strange bursts of reckless impulsiveness occurring with greater and greater frequency. My trading is starting to slide a bit as well. I’m becoming impatient and executing trades just to do it rather than waiting for the right timing and looking for the right conditions.
But when I look back over the past couple/few months I realize that I’ve just started noticing the change.
I’m getting more ADD.
I think the cause is a bit less clear than that implies. It’s not that I think that whatever brain chemistry is attached with that condition is getting worse. But trading has me sliding down the Maslow hierarchy of needs a bit. The result of that is that I’m never quite comfortable enough to just relax and focus.
While working (provided it’s at a job I can stand) I can at least leave when I leave and plan for a certain income. Now, I can’t. Every day I wake up and wonder whether or not I’m going to be able to do what it takes to be successful at this. And, as anybody who’s ever been in a casino can tell you; scared money loses.
I’m not really sure what else to say about it. But I have to deal with this on a couple fronts.
The effect this has had on my life and personality has been pretty interesting. An aspect that just wasn’t clear to me until lately has been the ancillary affect of aptitude without accomplishment. I’ve had such difficulty following through on, well, just about anything, that I no longer expect myself to be able to, and have set the bar much lower on personal accomplishments as a result.
Being conscious of THAT, in turn, doesn’t do wonders for my self appraisal.
How it’s played into my relationships over the past 10 years (mostly in my incredible propensity for ending them) is something that’s really starting to sink in to my skull with some gravitas.
What I’ve always been afraid of has been heaping all the problems of my life in a pile and tagging it with “ADD” then throwing up my hands. The other side of that is that I don’t give the real problem it’s due, which is at least as damaging.
So a multi-pronged approach. I’m spending an awful lot of energy (in ADDworthy bites) creating massive lists of teeny things that need doing, while taking great pains to avoid putting giant sweeping declarative headings over the top of them. For instance, “fill a bag of garbage” and “wash the stainless steel cookware” are there but “clean the kitchen” is not, since that’s a foolishly vast project.
I’m doing the same thing with programming projects and even, yes, with gaming goals. Set lots of them, make them small and tractable. That’s where the WordPress plugin I installed today came from.
As for the ADD itself… Well, I don’t know what to do. It’s not like I’m flush enough to take the same tact I took a decade ago. But I’ve read a couple encouraging things and have a couple books coming that I’m going to throw myself in to, to see what they have to say.
Diet is undoubtedly another aspect of this which may play a larger part than I’d originally suspected. My diet has changed vastly since I started working out of my apartment, and entirely for the worse. I wonder how much ground I could gain in reversing some of those changes. But that’s something that’s pretty tough to sneak up on like I can the other stuff.
Well that will work. Now that I’ve babbled on at Stevie like lengths I’m gonna just abruptly hit “publish”